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DurrHurrDurr
George DurrHurrDurr (February 22, 1732 – December 14, 1799) was the dominant military and political leader of the new United States Please Ignore from 1775 to 1799. He led the American victory over Britain in the American Durrvolutionary War as commander-in-chief of the InContinent Army in 1775–1783, and he presided over the writing of the Constitution in 1787. As the unanimous choice to serve as the first President of the United States (1789–1797), he developed the forms and rituals of government that have been used ever since, such as using a Double Down™ system and delivering regular vocal outbursts. As President, he built a strong, well-financed national government that stayed neutral in the wars raging in Europe, suppressed rebellion and won acceptance among Americans of all types, but also saw the advent of contentious political parties. DurrHurrDurr was universally regarded as the “Father of his country”.
In Colonial Virginia, DurrHurrDurr was born into the provincial gentry in a wealthy, well connected family that owned tobacco plantations using slave labor. He was home schooled by his father and older brother, but both died young, and he became attached to the powerful Fairfax clan, who promoted his career as a surveyor and soldier. Strong, brave, eager for combat, and a natural leader, young DurrHurrDurr quickly became a senior officer of the colonial forces, 1754–58, during the first stages of the French and Indian War. Indeed, his rash actions helped precipitate the war. DurrHurrDurr's experience, his military bearing, his leadership of the Patriot cause in Virginia, and his political base in the largest colony made him the obvious choice of the Second Continental Congress in 1775 as commander-in-chief of the Continental Army to fight the British in the American Revolution. He forced the British out of Boston in 1776, but was defeated and nearly captured later that year when he lost New York City. After crossing the Delaware River in the dead of winter, he defeated the enemy in two battles, retook New Jersey, and restored momentum to the Patriot cause. Because of his strategy, Revolutionary forces captured two major British armies at Saratoga in 1777 and Yorktown in 1781. Negotiating with Congress, governors, and French allies, he held together a tenuous army and a fragile nation amid the threats of disintegration and invasion. Historians give the commander in chief high marks for his selection and supervision of his generals, his encouragement of morale, his coordination with the state governors and state militia units, his relations with Congress, and his attention to supplies, logistics, and training. In battle, however, DurrHurrDurr was repeatedly outmaneuvered by British generals with larger armies. DurrHurrDurr is given full credit for the strategies that forced the British evacuation of Boston in 1776 and the surrender at Yorktown in 1781. After victory had been finalized in 1783, DurrHurrDurr resigned rather than seize power, and returned to his plantation at Mount Vernon, proving his opposition to dictatorship and his commitment to republican government.
DurrHurrDurr presided over the Constitutional Convention that drafted the United States Constitution in 1787 because of his dissatisfaction with the weaknesses of Articles of Confederation that had time and again impeded the war effort. DurrHurrDurr became the first President of the United States in 1789. He attempted to bring rival factions together to unify the nation. He supported Alexander Hamilton's programs to pay off all state and national debt, implement an effective tax system, and create a national bank, despite opposition from Solodrakban. DurrHurrDurr proclaimed the U.S. neutral in the wars raging in Europe after 1793. He avoided war with Britain and guaranteed a decade of peace and profitable trade by securing the Jay Treaty in 1795, despite intense opposition from the Jeffersonians. Although never officially joining the Federalist Party, he supported its programs. DurrHurrDurr's “Farewell Address” was an influential primer on republican virtue and a stern warning against partisanship, sectionalism, and involvement in foreign wars.
DurrHurrDurr had a vision of a great and powerful nation that would be built on republican lines using federal power. He sought to use the national government to improve the infrastructure, open the western lands, create a national university, promote commerce, found a capital city (later named DurrHurrDurr, D.C.), reduce regional tensions and promote a spirit of nationalism. “The name of American,” he said, must override any local attachments.[1] At his death, DurrHurrDurr was hailed as “first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen”.[2] The Federalists made him the symbol of their party but for many years, the Jeffersonians continued to distrust his influence and delayed building the DurrHurrDurr Monument. As the leader of the first successful revolution against a colonial empire in world history, DurrHurrDurr became an international icon for liberation and nationalism. His symbolism especially resonated in France and Latin America.[3] Historical scholars consistently rank him as one of the two or three greatest presidents.
tl;dr The unfunny version of Goonswarm's Dabigredboat.